Lucilla's Diary

by C. Palmer

©2001 all rights reserved

Page 1

Part 1

Maximus.

I never thought I would write his name again.

Tonight, at the celebration of the - his - final victory over the Germanians, I saw him for the first time in - has it been almost 9 years? He looked older, stronger... but also tired, worn.

And when Commodus spoke with him, he seemed... wary. He looked as if he does not trust as easily as he once did.

I wonder if that was my doing...

Seeing him again after so long... I thought I felt nothing for him now - it has been so long. And there was Verus. And yet... when I saw him smile...

Father said he needs my help with Commodus. I laughed, but in truth, I fear what this means. If Father has decided not to name Commodus, to name someone else, as his successor...

I do not know what Commodus will do.

Part 2

Maximus still cannot lie. And he still accuses me of being too comfortable with it.

I waited to confront him after he spoke with Father...

...but he would not reveal what they discussed.

He tried to put me off, claiming he was tired and upset from battle and his loss of men. I believed him, to a point.  He finally admitted it pained him to see Father so fragile. I suspect they spoke of Commodus, but when I asked if he would support my brother as he had my father, he said only that he would always serve Rome.

That, I have never doubted.

He told me he mourned Verus' death. I believe he truly did. And, he knew I had a son. I did not know he also has a son, the same age as Lucius. His love for his son lit his voice and his eyes.

He misses him.

I miss Lucius.

Part 3

Father is dead.

Commodus is Caesar.

Maximus was as stunned as I. But he had the courage to ask what I did not - how did Father die? Commodus told him the surgeon said Father's breath gave out as he slept. I wanted to believe him - he is my brother - but Maximus did not. He saw the signs I tried to ignore.

And, gods help us, I believe Maximus.

Commodus asked Maximus to take his hand, a gesture of loyalty.

He would not - and he turned his back to Commodus in walking out. Commodus sent Quintus after him with but a nod, and I fear what that nod represented. I do not know if Maximus will survive this. And the thought pains me.

I slapped Commodus. For Lucius' sake, I could dare no more.

I kissed Commodus' hand. 

For Lucius' sake, I could dare no less.

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